There was no one to blame, the excuses and rationalizations I was making to myself weren't working anymore. I live alone. I know how to cook, shop and prepare healthy foods. I can afford to buy healthy fresh food. I have the time to plan ahead and prepare food. So why wasn't I taking care of myself? Why was I using food to escape?
For the past 15 years I had begun the slow slide into obesity, working incredibly long hours and not taking care of myself. Working and escaping into my job meant I didn't have to feel bad about not having a social life and if I didn't have a social life I didn't need to worry about how I looked. I was escaping into my job and one day when a collegue asked me why I was still at work at 8 PM when the entire parking lot was empty I couldn't answer her. I had no idea why I was doing it. Certainly not because I was getting paid more.
I didn't date because I couldn't imagine anyone would want to date someone who was overweight—especially a 59 yr. old "overweight." I used to avoid mirrors and didn't buy new clothes because I didn't want to connect with my body in any way—especially in a 2' X 3' dressing room.
My granddaughters were always giving me a hard time about my giggly arms and squishy stomach. Nothing I ate made me feel satisfied and I hated the way I looked and felt. I would arrive home from work at 7-8 PM and eat a bag of microwave popcorn and have a couple Diet Cokes, go to bed and then get up the next day and do it all over again. Days, weeks, months and even years went by and I just couldn't take action. I made several weak attempts to lose weight for family events but I lost very little and of course always gained it back. I gained the weight slowly and told myself that this is what happens to women my age—we get chubby.
I work for a large healthcare company and almost everyday we get emails with incentives to be healthier, offered discounts and monetary rewards, free health screenings, lower insurance rates, etc. but I'd delete before even reading. I kept telling myself I wasn't that fat (yet) but I'd look into it when I was ready—when I wasn't so busy at work and could really "focus.".
I happened to look at a weight chart in a magazine and realized that I was considered "morbidly obese." Those words really scared me. I had no major health concerns, my parents are incredibly healthy, "I have good genes," I don't smoke. I wonder why people have to wait till something serious happens before we make changes? Would I be one of THOSE people? I think I just had ENOUGH and was ready to make a change.
A friend at work told me about FIT so I called and made my first appointment. I knew from previous unsuccessful attempts that I needed structure, support, a limited amount of food choices to start out with and I knew that I needed to make a financial investment and a time commitment in my own health. Weight loss wasn't happening on it's own.
What impressions did you have of FIT that you were totally wrong about?
—That it was for people who wanted a quick fix, to take a pill and have an easy weight loss then relax.
—That joining a program using appetite suppresants was an unhealthy way to lose weight and that I would gain the weight right back.
—That anyone who joined a program like this didn't have the "willpower" to do it on their own-if "you just exercised and ate less you'd lose the same amount of weight."
Did You find the Program hard to follow?
I did not find the program hard to follow. However, I did a few things that seemed to help me. And because I live alone I was able to only have the "right" foods in the house. I didn't eat out except maybe to buy salads or occasionally eat out with friends. I did OK for the first few months trying to keep things simple and then as time went on I started to try new recipes. The variety helped but in the very beginning I just kept telling myself I don't need the huge amount of food I had previously been consuming. I told myself this is all I need to eat in order to be healthy—eat to live not live to eat.
For me it was all about making a lot of small changes rather than focusing on the amount of weight I could lose.
I shopped every couple days for healthy fresh food rather than having processed or a lot of frozen foods in the cupboard. I made grocery shopping a pleasurable time-met up with friends for coffee, etc. and would look at food labels and try to find new foods that didn't contain sugar or carbs. I tried to only shop when I had enough time to enjoy it rather than "get it done." I bought organics, the best looking meat, fruits and veggies I could find and then enjoy it completely. I used to tell myself that organics were too expensive and then buy a bag of junk food at the gas station—total insanity.
I tried to consciously evaluate how I was feeling every time I wanted to put food in my mouth. Am I stressed, tired, bored or just feel like I need to eat out of habit? I tried to stay on a schedule so I didn't allow myself to get overly hungry.
I started parking a long way from the front of the stores and walk. I packed my lunch the night before work. I started walking and have consistently done that since I started. I had always told myself that unless I went to the gym, ran on a treadmill or ran a 5k race it just wasn't good enough. But it is. It's just fine.
I went to weigh-in every week and if I had to miss my appt. I called and re-scheduled right away. I kept the same 7:45 Friday AM appt. every week. It was the routine and also the support I got from FIT that kept me engaged.
How has my life changed?
I have WAY more energy.
I have learned to set boundaries at work and tell myself I am worth walking out the door at 5 like everyone else and if I arrive 30 minutes later on a Friday AM the place won't fall apart.
I have convinced myself that I am worth the time and energy it takes to take care of my own health. I have spent most of my life taking care of others and trying to survive on what is left at the end of the day.
What matters now is that I have balance in my life due to taking the time to focus on what does and doesn't fuel me—physically, mentally, and spiritually. Work is now a part of my life—not my entire identity.
Little steps lead to big changes. For me it's not so much about what I see on the outside. Before FIT, it took an amazing amount of energy to get up everyday and do battle with all the negative energy that excess weight created in my life. Losing weight has freed me up to focus on hobbies, relationships with others, and given me the self confidence to try new things. I am no longer hanging out with my miserable self everyday thinking about WHEN or if I'd get serious and lose weight.
It's happened—I succeeded in what I started out to do. I have replaced old habits with new behaviors and ways of thinking about what part food plays in my life. I am content with myself and really like my new life.
And, when I saw my grandaughters at Thanksgiving I realized how much I want to be involved in their lives and live a long and healthy life. I don't think I ever consciously thought about that before.
What I'd like to say to anyone who is thinking about losing weight:
Making any change is hard—our habits and our relationship with food is formed at a very early age. But if you are willing to examine that relationship, be willing to explore new ways to feel good about yourself, believe in yourself, and do the footwork it takes to lose weight, then you will become what you believe.
Why am I here?
I don't think I am in any way special. I have been in the depths of a tub of Ben and Jerry's many a night and know that there are lots of people who can relate to that. But I feel that when we talk about the struggles we have had with food, it takes some of the power away—we give food way too much power over us. Today I'm making different choices and it feels really good to be able to say that…food is what we need to fuel our bodies every day so they function properly…love and respect is what we need to give ourselves everyday so that we can live our lives to the fullest….